When we say “I do” we hope it’s forever…. We pray we don’t become a statistic… We fall in love… We have passion… We get married.. We have commitment, courage…. Then life happens, and responsibilities grow… Truth is I. Don’t think he loves me anymore… I’m shattered… I know I’ve got faults, we all do… But he’s my best friend… We laugh together, we smile together, we even hurt together… Something has happened…. is itr me? Of cpurse its me… It always has been… Instead of touching or caressing me, he just rolls over and falls asleep… I try to. Hold him, he pushes me away… I try to kiss him and he’ll give me a quick hug and then pat me on the back to let go… Idont know what to. Do anymore… We’ve been here before, but gotten over it. This time though, it’s different… His eyes are black, there’s no. Depth to them anymore… There’s no warmth in his touch like there used to be…. It all. Started with “do you think that’s appropriate for going to an interview?” and slowly but surely, his comments that ive always taken as loving and bits of. Concern, have developed. Into a web of control… He loved me so intensely…. So. True… But now, I’m just a ragdoll…. I am smarter than this…. I’m bigger than this…. I know an abusive relationship. Whteher emotional or physical, abuse is abuse…. So what makes me feel to blame? I find myself constantly making excuses for. Him…” he just had a bad day at work”. “its ok, he doesn’t mean it” but no… It’s not okay… What thefuck is wrong with me?? I was raised tonever take shit, but here I am, begging, loathing, crying, wanting HIM to forgive ME when I haven’t done anything wrong…. I I am a giant bundle of emotional baggage…. I just need him to accept it. But that won’t ever happen…. I just want to give up….
So….i find myself here with broken thoughts…i have lost who I used to be….i dont know where she is….just when I think I may have found her, you push me down the ladder, and I find myself at the bottom, having to climb back up again…i may not be the best looking woman, but i don’t even feel pretty anymore…all i see when i look in the mirror is tears, and vulgarity…why aren’t you attracted to me the way you used to be? I try…..god knows I try, so fucking hard…..and just when I feel good enough again, im not. I am so lost….i need help, I need faith, or guidance, something….something to help me fond who I used to be….or who I am meant to be… Because this girl is neither one…..i can’t starve myself, because then I just get more sick than I already am….i can’t throw my food up, because I already have a weak stomach…..i can’t run everyday because of my blood pressure & copd….i can’t do sit-ups because of the severe fatty infiltration of my liver, it sticks out of my chest so it hurts….i can do my makeup, but every clown takes off their mask at the end of the day….when I look deep into my own eyes, you want to know what I really see? I see the negative….theres no light in my eyes anymore. its fear. Fear of life, fear of love, fear of losing, and fear of death….i used to see all the positive things about myself, regardless of all my problems….but now all I see are the negative….my smile, that used tk be so pure, so real, so strong…..its now just another fake smile worn by a broken woman…..i just want to be good enough again….why dont you want me the way you did? I miss that….everything about it….im trying to get it back, but I can’t find it on my own….so what do I do…..just give up until you’re ready? ………….i dont want to cry anymore…..you say im selfish….no, not selfish, desperate….desperate for the love, and affection, or even just attention, of the man that said “I do….till the end of all time”….i shouldn’t have to need it…..you should want to give it to me…..what can I do to make you want me again? Because i can’t figure it out on my own, anymore…..i tried that tonight, and look where it got me….going to bed with a broken and very…heavy heart.